To Love a Cat
by ashleyyyk
Summary: When Adrien doubts and hates himself, how can he believe his lady could ever love him? Why couldn't she love the real him, the Chat Noir version of him that he feels so free as? Angsty Adrien with some trigger warnings and slight eating disorders. Will eventually develop into LadyNoir/Adrienette.
1. Chapter 1

Adrien needed to get away.

He was having one of the busiest weeks he's had in a while, and his schedule was completely booked. He was swamped with fencing, piano lessons, Mandarin tutoring, as well as studying and homework. These activities he could handle, except he had yet to get a break from his responsibilities as a model.

With the upcoming release of Agreste Fashion's spring collection, Adrien's life was a jumble of photo shoots, fittings, and rehearsals for the fashion show, where Adrien was the star model and under constant supervision.

On top of all of this, he would always make time for patrol, sacrificing a good two hours of his scheduled sleeping time (yes, Natalie's schedule for him marked everything, including what hours he was free to rest) for the chance to see Ladybug swinging across Paris.

So Adrien was tired, stressed, and completely fed up with being controlled.

He hated being Adrien, and preferred Chat Noir as his persona.

Chat was freedom, jokes, laughter, and fun.

Adrien was serious, polite, and completely controlled.

Chat Noir was Adrien's mask, yes, but Chat was more true to the boy's real personality than who the world saw.

He would always consider Adrien his mask, because he was more hidden under the polite and respectful puppet persona than under the strip of black leather covering his eyes.

So that night, as he ran across the rooftops of Paris, Chat was finally happy and free of his strings, at least for the time being.

Slowing to a stop, Chat was surprised to find Ladybug on the Eiffel Tower, the same spot he was heading to, as he loved the calm of the city at night and liked to enjoy the view from the highest point possible.

"Good evening my lady, I just finished my _paw_ trol, and happened to be in the mood to see the most beautiful sight in Paris, good thing I came here or I might not have seen her. You are looking _paw_ sitively lovely tonight, my-" It was then that Chat noticed Ladybug's hunched figure, her knees drawn to her chest as she rested her head on them and stared gloomily over the city.

"What's wrong my lady?" Chat asked, sitting next to her worried.

"Oh, Chat, I didn't see you there. Nothing's wrong" she answered, sounding defeated.

"Please don't lie to me Lady, something's bothering you, please let me help you" Chat pleaded, trying to look Ladybug in the eye as she persistently stared at the lights of the city.

"It's just-" she sighed moodily "There's just … Oh there's this boy I like. And I mean really, _really_ like. But every time I try to talk to him I just _can't_ and I hate that I can't work up the nerve to just _talk_ to him. I save Paris on a daily basis but I can't talk to a simple boy. What kind of superhero am I?" she cried, tugging slightly on her hair in frustration. "Why can't I do anything right?" She asked in a broken voice.

Despite the feeling of his heart shattering at the news, Chat knew Ladybug needed him now, and pushed aside his feelings for the time being, knowing no matter what that he cared more about her than he did about himself.

"Don't ever say that Ladybug, you are beautiful, strong, and brave. Don't ever put yourself down for an idiot boy who can't see how wonderful you are. You're the greatest superhero in all of Paris, and you do everything correctly. You're perfect my lady, don't ever doubt otherwise" he stressed, tilting her face up to look at him in the eye so she would understand how serious he was.

Ladybug untucked her legs and turned to face her partner, "He isn't an idiot…" she weakly defended. "He talks to me, always says hello in the mornings and greets me by my name. I know he knows me but I can't even get a sentence out without making a fool out of myself. It's my fault he doesn't like me because I've never even _talked_ to him."

"Who is it?"

"What?"

"The boy that's causing you so much trouble. Who is it?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I need to know who my competition is" Chat smirked, happy that his lady was looking less upset by the minute.

"Secret identities, Chat, you _know_ I can't tell you."

"Of course you can, I won't know how you know him or how long you've known him."

"... Adrien."

"What?" Chat breathed out, unable to comprehend what he was hearing.

"His name is Adrien. Adrien Agreste."

Chat couldn't believe what he was hearing. No one liked Adrien. Not his parents, not his schoolmates, and definitely not the girl he loved. She couldn't. The only person who liked Adrien was the only person who knew the _real_ Adrien, the Adrien who acted as a toned-down and less confident version of Chat Noir, and that was Nino. The only people who pretended to like Adrien wanted something from him, and it was usually because of his looks.

"Why?" he asked in a harsher tone than his lady deserved, but his heart was breaking because how could she like the mask when the real Adrien was _right there_ and why did no one actually ever like _him_?

She looked confused at his anger, though she could see the despair in his eyes.

"I always have, ever since I met him. He's perfect-" _wrong_ "and loves everything he does-" _wrong_ "and is so passionate about his work-" _he_ hated _his work_ "and is so kind to everyone, I just, I don't know. I think I love him but I haven't even talked to him, how screwed up is that?"

"Very." Chat growled, because yeah, it is screwed up to love a puppet when she was so close to it when it was in control of its own strings.

Ladybug was baffled by his anger, and slightly hurt, because Chat had never been like this towards her before and what happened now?

"Chat what are you so mad about?"

"Nothing." He snarled, he needed to leave before he said something h would regret.

"But somethings obviously-"

"I _hate_ Adrien Agreste" … something like that.

Ladybug looked offended, and then she looked angry. "How could anybody hate Adrien?"

"How could anybody _like_ Adrien? You don't even know him Ladybug!"

And she knew he was serious because he never called her Ladybug unless he was and why was he yelling? He was so passionate about hating Adrien but what did her perfect crush possibly do to deserve it?

"Of course I know him! I know everything about him!"

"Doubtful" he scoffed.

"His birthday is September 1. He's 15 years old and in 10th grade. He's a model for Agreste Fashion. He plays piano and fences. He is extremely smart and has the top grades in his class. He used to be homeschooled but moved to a public school in 9th grade. His best friend is Nino. He lives with his dad in a mansion. He's fluent in English and Chinese, as well as French obviously. He's 5"11' since his last growth spurt and is kind and respectful to anyone he meets." She concluded, slightly red in the face from her big rant.

Chat considered her words, all the facts were accurate, and he wondered how Ladybug knew his persona so well, but there was nothing behind the facts. Nothing about the fact that his father hadn't given him a simple "happy birthday" since his mom left (the last thing he had gotten was a scarf designed and signed by Marinette, that he had yet to thank her for or accuse Natalie of lying about). Nothing about how he hates being a model, the strict schedule and diet and everything involved causing too much stress and anxiety. Nothing about hating playing piano because it reminds him of his mom. Nothing about the panic attacks he has to suffer through alone over the stress of getting the best grades, or the lack of recognition from his father for them. Nothing about how lonely he was all his life, with his only friend being Chloe growing up. Nothing about how much of his awkward socialization skills Nino had to train out of him. Nothing about how he hasn't called Gabriel "dad" since his mom left; strictly "father". Nothing about how he struggles to learn and perfect his Mandarin, because his father would stand for nothing short of perfection. Nothing about the hours of instruction he was put through on proper ways to act, speak, look, and be. She knew nothing about him.

"You know nothing about Adrien."

And with that Chat jumped off the Eiffel Tower and began to sprint to his house, leaving Ladybug alone and confused.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all very much for the follows, favorites, and sweet reviews.**

 **Warning: This chapter's a little darker, and there is both self hate and self harm. Please do not read if this type of story will cause any triggers, safety first.**

 **Enjoy!**

Chat immediately regretted his decision, but knew turning back now would lead to utter disaster. Instead he ran home, narrowly avoiding obstacles as the beginnings of tears blurred his vision.

Once safely in his room, his transformation released, and Plagg flew from his ring looking concerned.

"Adrien-" he began, only to be cut off from his current kitten.

"There's camembert in the fridge, Plagg, I'm going to take a shower" Adrien interrupted, gesturing to his room's mini fridge (stocked full of cheese and water) before shuffling in the direction of his over-sized personal bathroom.

Plagg watched worriedly as his kitten shuffled off and tried to hide his tears. The kwami knew there was little he could do, and hoped giving Adrien space was the best idea for his recovery.

It wasn't.

Alone in the bathroom, Adrien finally let his tears of frustration fall as he slid against the wall to the ground, hugging his knees in a manner identical to how he had seen his lady on the Eiffel Tower just minutes ago.

Thinking of Ladybug hurt, but thinking of her dejected look as he left, a look _he_ caused, broke his resolve.

Adrien sobbed into his knees, plagued by self-hate and doubt.

 _All you ever do is ruin things. You ruined your first friendship. You ruined the relationship you had with your first love. You ruined your family. You're pathetic._

Adrien sobbed harder at the words he was subconsciously telling himself, trying his hardest not to believe them but knowing they were true.

 _You ruined your first friendship. You stopped giving Chloe what she wanted and now she hates you. She only talks to you because she wants to drag you around like her show pony. Just like everyone else._

"No…"

 _You_ hurt _Ladybug, when you were trying to make her feel better. You_ yelled _at her. She won't ever want to see you again. She hates you now, just like everyone else._

"But Nino-"

 _Nino knows a good opportunity when he sees one, he'll use your fame to gain his own and he'll leave you, just like your parents._

"No! Stop it!"

 _Your mom left you. She hated you so much that she didn't take you with her. She left you with your father and he hates you too. You haven't talked to her in four years and she's_ happy _about it. Leaving you was the best thing she did. How could anyone_ ever _love you if your own mother doesn't?_

"Stop it stop it stop it!"

 _You're just a pathetic useless rich boy with a pretty face. No one likes you. No one loves you. No one cares about you. You're alone. You're_ always _going to be alone. You and your masks. Who are you, Adrien, really?_

 _The well-mannered and polite model? Or the boy that has no family?_

 _The happy jokester and model student? Or the boy who slaves over homework and practices smiling in the mirror?_

 _The confident superhero of Paris? Or the cat that only brings bad luck and destruction?_

 _You're nothing. Pathetic, useless nothing who doesn't deserve to live._

"Shut up!" Adrien screamed, pulling at his hair and grinding his teeth, tears persistently falling from his eyes despite them being squeezed shut.

 _Make me. Oh right, you can't. Because you can't do anything correctly. You stupid puppet, of course you need to be controlled when everything you do is_ wrong.

"Urgh!" Adrien growled realizing what he had to do. Standing up he pulled his razor blade from the top drawer of his sink counter. Ripping off his pants he immediately dug the sharp edge into his thigh, sighing at the silence he received in return.

Adrien knew this was bad. It was unhealthy and terrible and so _fucked up_ but it felt so right.

He'd been cutting a little over a year, soon after becoming Chat Noir, ever since the voices started. He soon realized that the voices would hurt him unless he hurt himself, and he knew what was said would cause him more pain that cutting himself open.

No one had realized his habit, but then again who was there that cared enough to realize it? He only cut his hips and thighs, both places covered by his underwear.

He knew if his cuts were visible his father would have a field day, and not in the concerned and caring "we need to get you help" kind of way, but the "what the fuck is wrong with you models have flawless skin you can't have scars" way. He knows this is untrue, because a year of being a superhero doesn't come without scars and bruises and he's been a model long enough to know how effective makeup can be.

Adrien stopped his self-harm after the 10th cut, satisfied with the voice's silence and the amount of blood dripping down his leg. He immediately got into the shower and quickly began to get ready for bed.

He was hurt, tired, and emotionally drained. He was going to sleep.

He slumped into bed, ignoring Plagg's concerned look and immediately began to fall asleep, lulled by the gentle purring Plagg produced from his spot on Adrien's head.


	3. Chapter 3

Waking up in the morning was a little difficult for Adrien. His thighs stung, his eyes were heavy, his head was pounding, and of course Plagg being nose to nose with him didn't-

"Plagg?" Adrien exclaimed as he jumped, startled awake by the close proximity with his usually distant kwami.

Plagg turned his sad green eyes to Adrien's, seeming to contemplate something before flying towards Adrien's cheek for a hug.

Adrien cupped his kwami to his cheek, knowing this odd behavior must be important to Plagg if he was to be this affectionate about it.

"What's the matter Plagg? You're not hungry are you? I thought I remembered to restock the fridge, I'm sorry if I didn't." It was then that Adrien noticed how moist his cheek was getting. "Plagg what- are you crying? Come on Plagg what's wrong? Is someone hurt?"

Adrien carried the kwami away from his cheek and held him at eye level, hoping to gain a response.

"I'm not ready to lose another kitten." Plagg mumbled through the tears.

"Loose who Plagg?"

"You"

Adrien was extremely confused by this statement. Was Plagg leaving him? Like his mom? Was Adrien going to be left alone again? The thought brought tears to his eyes.

"Why would you lose me?"

"It's my curse. My bad luck. I pass it onto my kittens and they always get hurt"

"We've been Chat Noir for a year, what makes you think you're going to lose me now?"

"I didn't mean to an akuma" Plagg mumbled sadly, staring at Adrien's upper legs.

"Then what else would you lose me to?"

Plagg stayed quiet, and Adrien followed his gaze. The two were looking at his thighs, covered by his boxers, but Adrien knew what lay beneath. Apparently Plagg did now too.

"You mean my cutting? You're not going to lose me to that Plagg, it's a stress relief, nothing more. I'll never cut where it's lethal."

"Cutting isn't the only way to end your own life"

Adrien had never seen Plagg so serious and heartbroken, and he for the life of him couldn't fathom why he was. Plagg only cared about cheese, something Adrien was clearly not, so he couldn't figure out what had upset the kwami so. No one cared enough for the boy to worry about him, especially not the small cat who only liked him for his camembert supply.

"I've lost too many of my kittens to themselves, bad luck is a curse. Sometimes it becomes too hard for them to bear. Other times it kills them itself. Either way I always have to try to move on, and I can't bear to be reminded of it again" Plagg confessed, fresh tears spilling down his furry cheeks.

"I'm sure it'd be easy to replace this Chat Noir. Plenty of people can learn to put up with your cheese obsession"

"You don't get it Adrien. You're not just another miraculous user! You're my Chat Noir. Every one before was special, and you are too. Every kitten is different, and I love every one of them. You were chosen for a reason Adrien, you're kind and brave and amazing. And special, you are so _so_ special to me and everyone you meet. It won't be easy for me to get over you, and I will never replace you. The legacy will live on but you will be the only Chat Noir like you. Please, _please_ , listen to me. You're loved and cherished and _wanted_. You're better than most people I have ever encountered and you are not alone. Let me help you love yourself, please Kitten."

By the end of Plagg's speech both of the boys were sobbing, holding each other close in a form of embrace.

"I-I want to stop. I do! But the voices I- it's the only way to keep them quiet." Adrien confessed.

"Voices?"

"They- they tell me things Plagg. Horrible things. They make me hate myself. They used to only come when I was alone but now they're always there, whispering terrible things and I hate it. The only time they're gone is when I'm asleep or with-" realization dawned on Adrien "Or when I'm with Ladybug."

"You love her" Plagg stated seriously. "You are constantly exposed to so much negativity from the akumas that they affected you. Her good luck cancels them out, and you love her for it."

"So, I need to spend more time with Ladybug?"

"You need her help."

And with that Chat Noir fled the Agreste mansion on the hunt for a special lady.

 **A/N: Not too happy about the ending but oh whale, please review and all that jazz.**


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